


Is it too late now to say sorry

by Lenasjk



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Bellamy Blake needs a hug, Bellamy Has Feelings, Bellamy needs Clarke, Bellamy-centric, F/M, Friendship/Love, Guilt, Implied Relationships, Suffering, a lot of them but mostly, or more like a lot of them, poor boy, post 3x04 "Watch the Thrones"
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-13
Updated: 2016-02-13
Packaged: 2018-05-20 06:17:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,269
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5994549
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lenasjk/pseuds/Lenasjk
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“You are so brave and quiet I forget you are suffering.” (Ernest Hemingway)</p><p>or<br/>Bellamy Blake is not okay</p>
            </blockquote>





	Is it too late now to say sorry

**Author's Note:**

> Hiiiii :D
> 
> Another the 100 fic, yay!

Bellamy woke up in the dark. His heart was beating fast and he felt like he had just run through the forest. In his mouth he felt the bitter taste of smoke. 

Another nightmare. 

He had a lot of them lately. About people of the Ark that vanished into space, about kids from the 100 he wasn't able to protect, about people from Mount Weather... The ones who survived only to be killed by him and Clarke and his own people he wasn't able to protect. Agian. About Gina and...

He closed his eyes and breathed slowly.

Everything is fucked up. He is fucked up. He wished he would die already. But maybe he's cursed to live while everyone he cares about hates him or are dead. 

Breathing was getting harder now, he stood up and decided to go for a walk to clear his mind. He knew it was usless, but he needed to do something, anything. The guards let him through the gate without the fuss. He was one of Pike's people after all. 

He didn't know how long he walked, but the air was starting to be lighter and the nature was slowly waking up even when the sun was still asleep. He reached to the river's shore and stopped to drink a little water. He didn't realize how thirsty he was. He sat on the ground and just let himself to be. He tried not to think about anything. 

"Bellamy" he turned sharply at the voice. He hadn't heard anyone coming and even though he recognize the voice he was still surprised to see Clarke only few feets away from him. He coulnd't say anything, but he kept staring at her. Her hair were cleaner now and she wore something more adjusted to walking through the forset than the dress from Polis. She looked like a Grounder, but at the same time she looked so... like Clarke.

"May I sit?" She asked hesitantly, but he was already nodding so she perched next to him. 

Bellamy was afraid to say anything. He didn't know what to say, he didn't even know what he felt.

He was angry, that's for sure. She picked Lexa and not her own people, not him. But he also felt gulty, confused, sad, ashamed and... alone. He felt so alone since she left. 

"I heard that Pike is a chancellor now" she said. How could she now already? Clarke must see the question on his face, beacuse she continued. "Grounders are very good at maintaining the information. Are you sure you now what are you doing, Bellamy?"

"I'm not." It was the first thing he said this moring so he's voice was a little more raspy. "But I don't think you are sure about your doing. No one knows what they're doing."

"You're right" Clarke sighed. "But sometimes we have to choose the lesser evil. And I don't think it's Pike." Bellamy set his jaw in a stubborn line, she just wanted her mother to be the one with power so she can control everything in Arkadia while she lives her happily ever after in Polis.

"You know it's not true Bellamy!" Clarke shouted. "Bellamy! Look at me, you stubborn idiot!" he did look. And it hurt. Looking at her hurt, beacuse she's right. He knows it, but she keeps leaving him and it hurts. Her eyes calmed. "Bellamy, I'm sorry. I don't want to, but I'm doing this for our people. I'm not saying I hate it, but I don't love it either. You have to understand, please." 

Bellamy kept just staring at her. The worst part is that he did understand. She's not walking away from him. The first time she left was because being around people would only remind her of the ones they took lifes from. He understand it, because he felt the same. But unlike Clarke, Bellamy made himself to live with it, with guilt and hate for himself and the looks from all the people like he's some goddamn hero. It was the looks that only made him hate himself a little more. 

The second time it was actually him who left her. But it was her decision. And he understood this one too. He didn't trust Lexa. At all. But she was promising something that was hard to refuse and Clarke needed to stay to make sure this time she will keep her promise. He got that. But becuase of him Gina and over thirty others just died and he couldn't live with that. Another people's blood on his hand and this time he didn't have anyone to share it with.

"I'm sorry, Bellamy" Clarke whispered.

"You have nothing to be sorry about" he whispered back. "Did you know..." he took a short breath, "Did you know that most of my nighmares aren't about all those lifes I took, but about you leaving me?" he snored. "At the beginning they were about Octavia dying and me not being able to protect her. Now she kicks my ass on regular basics. She grew so much, you know?" Clarke smiled a little. "I'm so proud of her."

He was smiling too and his gaze wandered towards Clarke. For a moment he just enjoyed how she looked in the sun, how her hair were shinning and how beautiful she was. He missed her so much. Just her calm present next to him. She made his head much more steadier. With her next to him he didn't feel like having whole world on his shoulders, but like he was able to fight the world and win. 

"I miss you too, Bellamy" Clarke said. Her smile was a little more sad now, but it still made his breathing a little harder. It was the same smile she had when she stopped Atom's suffering. He wondered if she would be his death to. She was Wanheda after all. 

"If you were suffering, I'd stop it for you too. But I think it will be you who will be the death of me."

"What do you mean?" he asked. What the hell is she talking about?

"Pike decided we are no longer the 13th clan. And who am I, Bellamy?" she didn't wait for his answer. "An ambassador. An ambassador of the people who no longer listen to my advices, who wants war with people I live with now. I'm not even leverage to blackmail my mother with. She is not a Chancellor after all. I'm a Wanheda - a power to be killed. How long will Lexa wait before killing me?"

Bellmay shook his head. "No. No, she needs you, she cares about you, right!?"

"How can you be so sure, Bellamy? No one knows what they're going to do, you said so yourself. How can you be sure I'm not already dead?"

"What?" he didn't understand. "What do you mean?" But Clarke just leaned and kissed his cheek softly like the last time before leaving him. "Wake up, Bellamy". He coulnd't stand up, he could just look as she was walking from him. Again. 

"Clarke!" he screamed, but she didn't even turned. "Clarke! Clarke, Clar-"

Bellamy woke up in cold sweat, breathing heavily. He was disoriented, his eyes were looking everywhere without notice of anything. Only after a while he realized he was in his room. Octavia was already gone and he was glad for that. He didn't remember what he was dreaming about, but he rememeber golden hair. Clarke.

He closed his eyes. It was one of those dreams agian. He sighed, suddenly he didn't feel like leaving his bed.

**Author's Note:**

> I love Bellamy, he deserves so much more even with his poor life choices.
> 
> Commest and kudos are welcomed! And I'm [katarkiwi](http://www.katarkiwi.tumblr.com) on tumblr if you want to say hi or something :D


End file.
